i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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