Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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