and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
