so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
