I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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