cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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