I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
