She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
