there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
