oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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