I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
