your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
