this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
