They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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