Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
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