the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
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