youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
