I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Randomize
