Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
