i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
