I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
