I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
