I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
