One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
You did what with his pubic hair?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
