is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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