Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
