They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
