I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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