I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
