Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
