I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
