HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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