I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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