Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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