I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Randomize
