i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
There's always time for handjobs
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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