she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
