drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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