How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
my being single is dangerous.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
