he puts the penis in happiness.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
