Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Randomize