they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
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