Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Randomize
