Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Hippo gnu deer
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
