some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Someone came in the potted fern
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
