the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
