drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
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