Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
