Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
