I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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