Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
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