new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
i think im in europe. pls send help
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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