What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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