I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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