I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
