So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Randomize
