Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
