We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
