I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
