Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
