How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
