I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
