I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
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