my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
