Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
