Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
