I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize